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The Musings of Joe's Sex Kitten
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[04 Oct 2004|02:57pm] |
And this I did because it had to be done. Ever since I got back, I felt it had to be done.
New:
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) darknitedestiny
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[04 Oct 2004|01:47pm] |
I think people took my last post the wrong way. You all missed the "If you think I'm talking about you" and the part where I've already come to terms and am happy.
It wasn't about me. If you thought it was directed towards you, it was.
Once again, for clarification, not about me and Joe. I would never be upset with him over normal things that everyone does in their past, because everyone has one. I have gotten upset with him over things I don't think are normal, but I've never mentioned any of those in my journal to an extent where I expected anyone to read into them. So when you see me get upset, it's not over something small and trivial, trust me. I always mention that I am upset, but never usually exactly what about. But when I get out of hand and vent, these are the things I am talking about, and I don't really expect most of you to understand. Part of the point of my previous post was actually that there were no issues between me and Joe, and I'm not sure how people misconstrued that as a cry for help.
There are a few people who, if they read the previous post, would understand exactly what I was talking about and what parts were directed at them.
Kyle, I was touched by the way you spoke of Joe and me in your journal, and the way we would do anything for each other. I am very proud of you for what you are about to do.
If anyone else needs help in understanding what I am trying to get across to everybody (and I am just trying to explain that even though I always knew this up in my head, it is only recently that I have experienced situations that have forced me to fully understand it), pick up a Bible and look up I Corinthians 13.
[/finish]
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| A Very Serious Post. Listen, bitches. |
[03 Oct 2004|10:00pm] |
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mood |
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 restless |
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music |
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Orgy - The Odyssey |
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I'm miserable too often, but all must take into account that I am a manic depressive. I don't stay depressed, though, unless shit comes back again. Which it does...I just wish that the same shit wouldn't come back. But usually it's new shit. I realize I will never have a perfect life, and not all of that is my fault, but some of it is. And I can't change who I am overnight, and I can't change all my circumstances. But if changing circumstances involves changing people, I should just give up, because there's no love in wanting to change people into something other than themselves. The best thing in the world is to fall in love with someone's soul. And you're in love with who they are from that day and every day, but what has happened however long ago has no bearing on that. And you go through the tough times and the motions, but you will always love them. And when you know you will love someone no matter what the hell happens, you know you've found the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. And when I say new shit comes to get me, I mean old shit that's just new to me because I wasn't around before to know about it. Which is why it hits hard sometimes, but I realize like I said before, that there's no point in making someone deal with an old problem that they can't do anything about.
I am grateful that I wake up every morning to someone who never wants to hurt me and will do anything he can to make sure I don't have to suffer and will hold me as long as I have a problem until it either goes away or I fall asleep, and then he's there to hold me in the morning. He has to know that my love is unconditional, because I would never want him to think that I would leave him over something he can't help. And he does enough good to me now, in the present.
If I can give anyone anything, I want everyone to know that someone may change slowly as a result of being with you, but it might or might not be in the way you would expect, or in the way you intended. Never go into anything expecting someone to be some pre-conceived idea that you already had when you went looking for someone. I went looking for company, but not for love; and I found him and fell in love with who he already was. And I will never try to make up his mind for him, and I know he would never leave me hanging. I don't have to worry about these things, even though I sometimes have an irrational fear of them. I know that I don't have to question him, even though my mind is often wary because I've seen so many people get hurt. I'm not stupid, but at the same time, I know I can trust him completely and that is a wonderful feeling. And I'd rather be in love with a real person, with real feelings, passions, half-baked compulsions, and real mistakes based on real flaws, then with a false idea, a mask for the real person that isn't really mine because my person is one that doesn't exist. If you want a real person, then go for that, because if you go for a false idea, that's all you have. You don't even have the person you think you have, which is what you really do want.
The bottom line is: Let the people you love be the people they are and the people they always were and the people they will always be. You can't change someone's past; even if they are different today, they're still not perfect and they never will be, so don't try to change that either. Let them know exactly what you think, and then make a decision that works for you. If you love them, you will want nothing more than to be in their beautiful presence and just bask in their existence. If you don't want that, then you shouldn't be with them, and you shouldn't give them a false hope where they are hanging there, just waiting to see if you're going to leave them for whatever reason.
You can only do so much for a person, and then you have to let them go. If they decide to go or stay, that is their decision. But, in the end, you need to make your own choice. If you can't have your choice, then make another one, and that's as simply put as it can be. It may not be your first choice, but it is a choice, and you can build your life around it. You can't change who someone is, and if you love them, then that's all there is to it.
Don't miss out on something great when you have the chance. Be wary of your actions, because they really do speak louder than words. You can tell someone that you feel one way, but if you don't show it, they are going to doubt you always. Eventually, that doubt will turn into resignation, and then there will be nothing left of trust.
I wish everyone could experience the best points of a relationship that I have. I am telling you all of this so you don't experience the low points, which I also have. If you think I'm talking about you, then YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM. Make whatever move you have to if you want to be happy right now.
Now, bitches. NOW.
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[02 Oct 2004|02:36pm] |
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Happy Birthday FWF.
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[30 Sep 2004|09:57pm] |
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music |
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Korn - Reclaim My Place |
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That movie was funny as shit, but that was the single most disgusting death scene I have ever been exposed to.
All in all, a fun night. I now await Joe's arrival home from work.
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[30 Sep 2004|12:55pm] |
I didn't have to work the whole crappy time yesterday. Tony came in at 5:30 to save my ass, and then I had, "I-don't-have-to-work-tonight" sex with Joe. And now I think that is the best kind.
Went to dinner with Joe last night at Carrabba's, and then my dad met us there with Stephen. I told Joe it's not that impressive, but it depends on what you get. He had never tried it, so I digressed. Now he sees why I think that place sucks. But it's still not the suckiest. It's decent, but not spectacular. I'll be taking him to the Laughing Cat on his birthday if he wants exquisite Italian.
JOE GOT A NEW JOB! He gets 40 full hours, .25 more than he gets now, and 75% health and dental insurance paid for. He may or may not be able to get that for me as well, but we shall see. I'm not exactly a dependent of his since we each pay for half of everything. I'm really proud of him. He really liked his other job, but as soon as he heard the benefits, he was like, "I'll take it." It pays to work for rich people at their country club.
Going to burn a sexy CD, and then going to see Shaun of the Dead with Kyle tonight after some Thai food. Haven't hung out with him in a while, so that should be fun. I need to spend more time with my friends; I just need to control the amount of money I spend.
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| Need a Little Time to Wake Up |
[28 Sep 2004|08:28pm] |
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music |
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Oasis - Morning Glory |
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If I was ever separated from Joe, the first thing on my mind would be getting to him.
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[27 Sep 2004|01:17pm] |
Working on my book.
There's something amazing about waking up to your favorite person in the whole wide world every morning.
And...there's something amazing about falling asleep with the whispered words, "Oh my god," still resounding in your head.
...The woman who lives next door is sweeping the entire walkway and fluffing out our doormat. Well, if it makes her happy, I'm not going to stop her.
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[26 Sep 2004|10:01pm] |
He's so precious when he's sleeping.
Stupid hurricane was nothing but an excuse to have a party. Good enough for me, but we didn't put any effort into this one.
Started my book...
Gave Kyle some advice...
Had hurricane sex, which, for all those people who have never had the pleasure of being attacked with a barrage of pansy-ass thunderstorms annually, is the best kind of sex there is.
Other than that, not much to say.
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[13 Sep 2004|02:30pm] |
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I got a birthday spanking!
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| Big Red tastes yummy in the mouth. |
[11 Sep 2004|10:49pm] |
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MSI - Thank God |
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Joe: "I'm going to get a microscope to see if they swim in circles."
Me: "Why would you do that?"
Joe: "You can't get pregnant if they aren't moving anywhere."
Me: "But why would they be swimming in circles?"
Joe: [grins] "Because they've been smoking pot."
...Ever get a Birthday card from someone who never EVER visits or writes, and just sends a card once a year with a really personal message like they know you? [points to self] Uh, yeah. Me. Today. I know how that is.
Haven't been making much money at work. Everyone is all, "Aaaah, a hurricane is coming! We are all going to die, let's go buy some gas!" Not, "Oh, you know what? I feel like enchiladas." Had 3 tables this morning; made $10 after tip-out. That's 10 in 2 hours and forty minutes. Plus 2.13 an hour for salary.
...That effing SUCKS.
Made $42 tonight. Lost track of the tables. My tips were all pretty good, except for the one table I had that acted and looked like they could barely even afford to be there, which is completely understandable. Everyone deserves a day out. But the rest of them were all about 20%. I just didn't have that many tables.
My schedule this week rocked. My schedule next week sucks.
Wed: 4
Thurs: 11:30 Host, 5 serve
Fri: 11:30 Host, 5 serve
Sat: 10:30/5 serve
Sun: 12/5 serve
That's four double shifts in a row. Meaning I will spend the entire four days in Don effing Pablo's.
...This hurricane better not destroy my three days off, or I will be supremely pissed.
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[11 Sep 2004|02:17am] |
I should be asleep. I am so effing tired, it's not even remotely funny. But restless Joe has elbowed me in the spine, neck, back and head for the final damn time. I've resigned myself to the couch for now, the one place I didn't want to go. Our couch sucks; it's cold. And lonely.
FZCKING HURRICANE IVAN!! YOU HAVE RUINED MY BIRTHDAY AND MY BANK ACCOUNT!!
Did I say I loved hurricane season? I HATE HURRICANE SEASON.
...
Haven't made anything new. Currently, online time is a waste of time. Nothing new, and no one cares. Stupid bills.
[shakes fist]
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| Bite the Bullet. |
[07 Sep 2004|10:50pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up |
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I'm actually pretty tired, but I have a lot of stuff I have to do. In fact, we did so much today because we were so lazy yesterday, I didn't have time to put in any job applications, and so I'd have to wait until next Monday, which I can't do, because next Monday is my BIRTHDAY.
Went to the bank today. Have more in my savings than I do in my checking. And you know what THAT means...
I may actually be able to retire someday.
Lately I've been seriously contemplating what kind of a job I want to work and how to make it happen. I've also been thinking about where I want to go next. We've been talking it over, but it's hard to come to a decision based on nothing. We both want to try New York, but wherever we go, we'll have to find new jobs and a new place to stay. Look out Employment Agency, here we come.
Bought a shitty coffee-maker today. Water lines do NOT measure up. The result? Some strong-ass coffee.
My schedule this week:
Wed 12/4 Serve
Thurs 5 Serve
Fri 1130/530 Host
Sat and Sun 12/5 Serve
Yes, 4 doubles and none of them at 10 in the morning.
Kick Ass.
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[04 Sep 2004|05:56pm] |
I guess I'll call in at 9:15 tomorrow morning to find out if we're open for business. I really hope we're not, though.
The wind is really starting to pick up here now. I'm looking out our bedroom window at the tall telephone post right outside, and the wooden fence that our neighbors have. I don't want pegs in my walls. I'm getting ready to tear down THEIR fence and put the pieces over MY windows.
I will most likely unplug the PC tonight or tomorrow morning and move it to higher ground.
I love hurricane season.
Going to dinner with my dad tonight. We'll probably talk about me and Joe and my future, like we do most of the time. Stephen got dragged to Virginia with my mom and her new husband because she was worried about the hurricane. My dad had the whole weekend cleared to watch him, but now he has to go with them, and he's going to hate it, and so they're going to be miserable. Get this. She actually said that now their trip is going to be ruined because he went along for the ride. Even though he didn't want to go. I told her he could stay with us and chill on the beach while Joe was at work, but she said that defeated the point because of her worry over the hurricane, and so now dad and I are having dinner, and they're going to drive back right into the path of the storm when they return, thus putting my little brother in more danger.
A general pondering:
Why do some people hurt themselves when they think they're just making life easier? In reality they're only making it harder on themselves by pushing away the security they have. Instead of sitting around hoping that life will take care of itself, people should do something with it to the point where they have something to show for it. They can say, "Look, I did this all on my own, and I didn't have it handed to me. And you know what? Now I'm happy, because I did what I wanted, instead of what was expected of me."
...
I just don't understand.
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[04 Sep 2004|11:26am] |
Kept Joe otherwise occupied AFTER we visited Shooters.
...Where is the bad weather? Hello? Lightning capital of the world? Hurricane a'comin', and no thunderstorms?
[pouts]
...
I have work at 3:30 and I'm stranded. I better start walking at 2. Thinking about trying to call in, though...because I'm having a bad allergy day.
...
Lame.
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| My mind was so dark... |
[03 Sep 2004|10:25pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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Fear Factory - Dark Bodies |
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At least I'm not lonely.
There are so many days I come so close to quitting, before I realize I have nowhere else yet to go. Work can be so mentally exhausting sometimes, and some people are just assholes.
But at the end of the day, it's all worth it to go home to MY man, in OUR apartment, which WE pay for with OUR money, that we get from OUR lame-ass jobs, and it smells like HIS nicotine, and OUR stale alcohol, and OUR sex, and whatever the hell else we decide to get into. And WE work our asses off to keep it that way.
My birthday is in 10 days. Mom's going to make me a cake. I was feeling nostalgic the other day, and asked it of her, after making sure it would be dark and rich, and have vanilla frosting and skittles on top. Just like in middle school when I would have pool parties. Joe's going to take me out to dinner, and possibly get me something that he thinks I would look good in. That's really one of the best presents of all. I'm just going to ask the relatives to cut me a check, because I can't think of anything else I want or need that I can't get for myself, and I could probably use the money to pay off my hotel bill from the last storm. I kind of want to have a party, though. Liz and Jackie had mentioned something about it. I'm just afraid of having people throw shit on me at work.
I want to visit Faye-Faye.
Work was lame. We didn't even go on a wait on a Friday night until the new assistant manager cut most everybody and the ones that were left were the lazy ones. Serving this morning was actually pretty decent, but the night shift sucked. Liz was a double and only made 80, and I made 61 on just the morning. Then I hosted for only long enough to really make 25, but hell...that's more than she made, and she's been there for a long time. What I want is to prep in the kitchen.
I thought there was a chance we'd be closed on Sunday because of the storm, but we're going to be open. So I'm a 3:30 tomorrow, and a 10/3:30 on Sunday. It's going to either be dead, or packed with people from the east coast. Either way, I'm going to Jeremy's hurricane party, and we're going to have fuuuuuuuuuuun.
My baby's almost home. When he gets here, we might go to meet the crew at Shooters, but I might just have to keep him otherwise occupied instead. I haven't yet decided.
[Nighty Night]
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| Just me and my horsey and a quart of beer. |
[02 Sep 2004|06:10pm] |
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annoyed |
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music |
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Beastie Boys - Paul Revere |
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I spent the first half hour of my morning loading up sugar caddies.
How can old people drink so much margarita miz with no water, and then drive themselves home? (And it is always, always the old people that do this)
It's nice to boot up your computer and find a file from your boyfriend that says, "I love you my little sex kitten."
I finally found the background I wanted for my journal.
I have too many things to sort through.
Damn this storm.
I want to make money, and I don't want to leave, and I don't want my shit ruined.
I hate my job.
I got paid today.
It wasn't what I had expected.
It hasn't been busy in the restaurant.
Damn this storm.
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| Feelin' uninspired; Think I'll start a fire. Everybody run; Bobby's got a gun. |
[01 Sep 2004|05:36pm] |
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annoyed |
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Presidents of the United States of America - Bo Weevil |
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( The Kiss Quiz )
From prettygirl
Work sucked today. I had fun in the morning, chillin' with everybody. Jeremy brought breakfast from Dunkin' Donuts, and we spent a lot of our day just sitting around and bullshitting. But we weren't busy at all, and I only made $32 in tips for four hours of work. There was much teasing from Jackie about my visit from Joe, during which we hid in the bar where my tables couldn't see me. I love it when he comes to visit me. Later she made a comment about my chest and said, "I'm the one who made 'em so big. I told her to rub 'em every night," which earned her a reply of, "I don't have to rub my own," which earned me a shove in the "How dare you be so naughty" department. Liz came in to visit everybody. She's going to Ozzfest tomorrow, and she gets to go backstage because she's doing interviews for Anderson's magazine. They get to party with black metal bands and she's going to interview Atreyu. As she was leaving, she turned around and said to me, "If I don't show up on Friday, I'm someone's girlfriend, and I hopped on their bus."
Didn't do dinner again last night because we weren't hungry. But we did see Napoleon Dynamite, which was funny as hell but had no point to it, except the overall triumph of the nerds. In one event.
Stormed like hell when we got out, and we ran to the truck and got soaked on the way. That was sexy enough to start something up again, and all the way home I was plagued by the smell of nicotine wafting over from my left. Had some really nice quality time when we got home. We were both quite pleased.
Now I have to go through some things. It was finally time for me to get my stuff out of my mom's garage, so now I have to get rid of it so it doesn't become clutter in my house.
Joe really wants to break our lease and get out of Florida, but I just want to take this one step at a time. I do need a better job though. I can make really good money waitressing, but when I have days like this, I hardly feel like my effort's worth it. It balances itself out too much, and what I really want is a steady paycheck that isn't so dependent on the mood of my guests.
Time for music. After reading Jess' entry, I feel like TBM.
[gives a respectable nod]
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